contentezza

concerning everyones response to the recent shortest-relationship-ever:
even if the reason that she gave me for leaving is complete bullshit, it really doesn't help for my friends to continue asserting their opinions about its ridiculosity.
when you do lie when breaking up with someone, usually its to avoid hurting their feelings. and i really didnt feel bad about the situation until everyone starting including their two cents.
i do still really like her, and we are still friends. so even though it may seem like the most inconsequential affair ever, I would like to preserve my trust in her and a little bit of pride, thank you very much.

so now that ive settled in more, i guess its time for a more comprehensive entry. Since now i actually have things to talk about.

i ended up having to drop greek 3 weeks into it. i really just wasnt cut out for it. as a result of that, and of my advisor not believing me when i say that after gov school i really can pick up a pretty good courseload, i only have 3 classes. 3. how insane is that? im using the extra time (i have wayyyyyyyyyyy too much of it!) to try and do beyond excellent in the classes i am taking, and start forming the basis for some tutorials.
tutorials are basically classes that you design with a professor on anything you want (as long as its academically acceptable), and then its just like a regular class except theres usually only 2 to 3 person in a class. I just need to learn enough about the areas i want to do tutorials in to be able to know what exactly im interested in, what directions i want to go.
im really lucky that i got the particular advisor that i did. evidentally its next to impossible to get tutorials with her because shes in high demand, but since im her advisee i kind of have first dibs. shes the go to person not only for lit, but also for anything involving queer and feminist things.
sweet.

I really like my roomate/room situation. bianca is really great/easy to live with. we have alot in common, but are absolutely opposite. shes.... hard to explain.

i have a lady friend. thats actually a very very new development, as in somethingdefinitivefinallyjusthappenedlastnight development. i really like her though. Its just kind of strange for me, because im used to being the innocent one, im not used to having to make the first move, etc. im the first girl shes ever kissed, and she said she wasnt really sure at all that she liked women before she met me. so thats really different from anyone ive ever been involved with before.
anyways, more on that later.
(her name is jess)


...



i really like where my life is right now. even though i am really worried about some people back home.

also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAHCATOE!

this place feels like a time capsule.
in a really good way.
i think im just going to keep this journal unknown to anyone at school.

ive already fallen in with a group of friends, and it feels insanely amazing. I'm excited about my classes (which start tommorrow), and i get along really well with my roomate. bianca (roomate) is a messy queer vegan who is majoring somewhere in the humanities, so it works out really well.

woke up at five in the morning earlier to watch the solar eclipse. I went with Bianca and Kiri and sat on the hillside for about an hour. when the moon was just getting to where it was completely covered up we realised that if the earths shadow was covering the moon, then in some indirect way our shadows were there as well. we ended up making sure that the moons impression of us involved dancing and alot of hugging.

ive been spending most of my time with rita, kiri, loren, and letitia. Theyre all upperclassmen and have an apartment-dorm to themselves. which is nice because instead of creating all new dynamics im really the only new addition. we have daily "family dinners" and cuddle-fests. its pretty great. my only concern is that i only got introduced into this group of people in the first place because loren has a crush on me. I never really realised how prone i am to flirt with people im not really even interested in just because theyre flirting with me. I really like spending the majority of my free time with all of them, but im afraid that loren has misinterpreted alot of things concerning that. she tried to kiss me the other night and i explained to her what exactly was going on, but for some reason there seemed to be some major disconnect.

this whole entry sounds so post-cardy. its just awkward because ive met so many people so fast.

i really like it here though. it makes me happy. not just im-happy-for-just-this-brief-moment-happy, but honestly and earnestly thoroughly happy. ive never really had that before.

so i just decided that i reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally dont want to have to meet all new people in three weeks.

tonight I resolve never to waste life like I have the past year by sacrificing time to some innate sense of responsibility or pride.

this morning when i woke up i was a happier person knowing she exists.
shes completely unobtainable and theres seven days left of school and i dont care.

if only every day could be as good as saturday.
wait, scratch that, if only every weekend could be as full of life as this one has been.













(salamander!)

headed to new college next year hopefully.

and if a certain dog (not the one pictured above though!) is in the slammer 12 days from now, im busting her out and taking her with me.
i opened the cage door to look at the beautiful setter, and there was this skinny hound curled up in the corner of the same cage. i opened it a bit, and while the other dogs would try to clammer and push to get out, she didnt even try even when i left ample space. she just pressed her whole body into my stomach, her head into my arm, and just leaned into me the whole time, it didnt even matter if i was petting her or not. she didnt even wanted to be petted, i dont think. we just leaned into each other and she sat there trembling and wagging her tail she was so happy.
it was exactly what i needed.


im also entertaining a girl tommorrow afternoon, which makes everything even better...

i should clean my room.

MMMM
im a sleepy kind of happy.
you know the kind,
its kind of like comfy armchair love.
i feel like im not making any sense right now.
oh well.

I miss Icarus already.
Gave him over to the wildlife people this morning.
I hope he's going to be okay, hes really sick though. Im going to go see him at the rehab place later this week though!
To Sarah: this is what you miss when you run away for the weekend every weekend:






he's kind of adorable, and i put him in his nest box to sleep last night, and he ended up crawling into bed with me midway through the night.
Im very unsure about bex's baby bird though. we gave it to the woman, and I knew more about how to take care of it than she did (she usually only does animals).
Today feels like its going to be a photo-taking day.

I really just havent felt like existing around anyone but a certain four people for the past two weeks.
to those people : thank you for putting up with me.

+Just got back from my very first sporting event, courtesy of a miss carrie, and it was very kickass.
-I kind of wonder sometimes if roomie realises how much her clinginess makes me not want to be around her.
+ can anyone say four day week?
- wayyy too much work has been put off that is due this week.
way too much.

I wish things were the way they used to be.

ive been listening to billy joel too much. its rather ridiculous.
today I:
+ saved an airplane out of the river for a little girl, and felt like a hero for like two seconds.
+ got to look at amazing african art for an hour and a half
+ spent time with ma turtle
- was irked by the presence of my roomie (she needs to get some other friends besides me)
+ listened to this american life, which is particularly amazing this week. go listen to it.
now.
no, seriously.

I'm in one of those moods.
the kind where i want to run away and go to india.
or the galapagos.
or hell, even the outerbanks would do.
I guess the lake next to my house will have to do.
sometimes i think im afraid to put any of the above things into motion because im afraid ill be dissapointed.
that it will leave me with an empty feeling.




on the other hand, it is more than slightly possible that ive just been reading too much Thoreau.
and on that note:
"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."
that quote seemed relevant at the moment.
possibly because spending time at home reminds me of how much time people waste trying to just pass it without noticing.
possibly because ive been talking to john too much.
then again, is there any way to get too much of john? ;)

lynn has breast cancer.
i dont know what to feel.




2007 needs to stop, immediately.

I should get some new strings for my guitar.
that and learn how to play it.
I rearranged my room, and it feels like my own for the first time since i went to gov. school.
its a nice feeling.
I cant wait until the summer, which this year looks as if it includes getting a job (at a restaraunt that has agreed to put up my photos), spending as much time as possible at the beach surfing, camping, and a roadtrip to provincetown MA, for pride week.
you know youre jealous ;)
the past few days its been beautiful outside. I forget sometimes how depressed the cold weather makes me. ive been spending every free moment in the park, and laid under leslie's sculpture for almost an hour today. I feel refreshed and renewed. I feel strong enough, brave enough, to start a new chapter in my life.

for the first time i feel really good about everything in my life
and about myself.

oh, and
Gov School:0 Ginger:1

I love finding ways to escape the rules
actually, to a point of being pathetic
but i love going downtown and seeing an RA,
and being like "yeah, thats right, im downtown
BY MYSELF annnnnnd its 11 at night. oh, by the way, did i mention my mom signed me out for the night?"

I am finally finally finallyout to my dad!
no more lying!
woohoo!

im not really sure what i want anymore,
I was going to post new years resolutions
but as of yet they are still inconclusive.

Alright, so here it is,
my (artclass) schedule for the last semester of high school (finally)

ART: (8:30-11:30)
Monday- Photo (without teacher)
Tuesday- Photo
Wed- Drawing
Thurs - Printmaking
Fri- Art in the system (9:00-11:30)

Concentrations kinda make me nervous at this point.
It feels like there is alot of pressure, and im not really that confident with my abilities.
On the other hand, i start out my week with two days of concentration, which kind of cancel out the discomfort of being nervous.

i have a feeling that 2007 is going to be the best year yet.